Who am I and where am I standing right now?...

Daddy in Heaven,

This is seriously not something that I'll post everyday... not even something that I would dare to talk about... but it's just I am fed up... just fed up about everything... I'm just so fed up being a liar... fed up trying to be good... when I'm so pissed off inside... why do I still have to carry a smile on my face?

Today ... it is the first time I hear my own heart shatter... It was like how a glass would break... Normally I would put aside dreams.. but never with my own bare hands shut the door and bolt it tight...

Where have that little girl gone to?!?! Who is this girl that has replace her? If that little girl was here... she would have thrown the paper, perhaps even the whole file back to Muhannad's face and say... "You can have the post back... I don't want to have any of it.... I've got nothing to loose..." That little girl would not have allow herself to get hurt... She would do anything necessary to protect herself... Even if it was to fight back... She won't mind.... but what happened to her today?!?! Where did she go?

Can reality and her peers really chain her up? Just for the sake of a friend... she didn't take any action... and was willing to just keep quiet... I really don't know her anymore... The girl that I know... would not just sit back and do nothing when people yell at her... *the only exception was only her mum*... She was bold enough to tell others what she wants... and how she wants it... but why not now?

I'm feeling so confused... Should I continue to chain her up? The world now seems fine to everyone around me... but... I'm getting hurt... What am I suppose to do? Sit back and do nothing?

Who am I Daddy? Who you want me to be? Where do you want me to be? Does that little girl has a place in your will for my life? It is really a pain decision to make...

I really can't let her go sorry... Once the chain is broken... many will get hurt... not only me but also the people I love... like a fire that cannot be control... It really took me many years to control her... Her will is strong and very hard to be broken... It really took many pain to really tie her down... but just wonder for how long?

Daddy, at times, I really wish that I never did take my heart out to love these people.... without loving them.. I then don't have to worry about hurting them...

Daddy, I really don't want to grieve your heart... but in the process of controling my actions... I'm hurting my own heart... It is a really painful process... Can I not go through it anymore? It is really really hard...

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Esther, you've finally understood that worry comes not out of hatred or anything else... but it comes out of love... And yes it is a painful process... but know that I'm with you, I never did leave you... though there is no one that you can turn to... know that you can turn to Me...